As a matchmaker, I receive direct feedback from both people I match on my quest to find my clients their perfect life partner. What I often find is how regularly people put their own needs well before their dates, as if to make a stand early on that they will not be rocked from their independent lifestyle, yet they keep saying that being a couple is their ultimate goal. When people wonder why they go on date after date and still don’t find a match I begin to see something they have been missing all along; the ability to think of the other persons needs first, without worrying about losing their individual self.Here are some questions to ask yourself when reflecting on your dating:
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When you are asked on a date and there is a possible conflict with something that is flexible to your schedule are you willing to juggle a little or wait for the next mutual opening?
Do you listen to find out about their work or family schedule to get an idea of when they might be available or just ask when your schedule has time?
Talking with your date do you ask questions on how they can fit into your life or how you two could gain a new way to enjoy life together?
If your date lives long distance do you let that stop you because you think of the possible effort to date on-going, if you end up liking them?
Do you decide in advance that you will go where ever love takes you or that there is no way you’ll sacrifice changing career location, closeness to your family and friends for a relationship?
What if your date worked the night shift and you worked regular business hours? Would you get creative with making time for each other or decide it’s too much work before you get started?
Do you focus more on how you like to be treated on your dates or more time watching for smiles from your date to know you are doing something they truly appreciate?
As a gentleman do you walk your date to her car and make sure she gets on her way safely or part ways when saying good-bye? As a lady do you let your date open the door and be a gentleman or do you want to always make sure everything appears equal?
Do you remember what your date shared about life, family and work or are you thinking you won’t need to remember these details?
As the conversation flows during a date do you find yourself thinking what wonderful stories they are sharing and how you’d like to make new memories together or are you focused more on sharing your own information?
Dating can be a vulnerable place to expose yourself and this is why many singles find they put up protective walls to stop from feeling the true gift of becoming a couple. I often hear from clients the limits they put on the distance a potential match can live, what kind of work schedule, what color hair, how tall and even how much they make. Many factors are decided well before a client stops and takes the time to meet a wonderful person that could become their potential other half. Often logistics aren’t the downfall of a potential partner as much as a sense of mutual connection, emotional safety and healthy attraction.
Yes, after many dates and failed relationships it is very easy to begin defining and controlling our willingness to be flexible because we have been hurt before. We need to ask ourselves if the sacrifices we made are why we got hurt or the fact that we simply were not with the right person to become the couple we crave to enjoy. Taking time to openly allow yourself to meet each new person as a potential relationship to date long term allows you the freedom to talk in a way that invites them into your life. Making room and being open to all they have to offer shows that a little juggling of time and energy could give you the love that you seek.
Looking at your date with a soft smile as you begin to discover all they have to share is the greatest gift you can give the both of you. Meet them without all your rules and guidelines of what and who you will allow into your life. Each first date is the beginning of something wonderful or the end of something that never started. You get to choose. Listen and learn what is important to your date. Enjoy sharing what is important to you from your heart and less from your rule book. Be willing to make room for someone in your thoughts and in your actions by choosing to move yourself closer to never going on another first date again!
Becoming a couple means learning how someone new communicates, what is important to them, how they like to feel special and most of all it lets you feel the power of someone saying and showing to you that you are worth the effort also!
Jacqueline The Matchmaker
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