So the big date is here and you finally have a chance to meet face to face and discover a little bit about each other. Find out if he’s the man he seems to be, learn if she is the woman you are think could capture your heart. Every first date holds so many possibilities and if you make it to date number 2 and 3 you have to really feel like you are on to discovering someone wonderful!The million $ question always is based on “are they worth it”! When we look to others to prove their worth as we seek to discover them on a date, we can lose sight of the value we are looking for in a balanced potential relationship. People often walk into a date to “interview” the other person as their approach to dating 101! This is the biggest mistake of any first date when you actually want to move past randomly dating!
When dating the first thing you need to decide is if you are looking for a fun time or to find someone to build a relationship with. If you want just fun, keep the conversation light and don’t worry about how much you have in common. As long as there is lots of laughter and creative topics it can be the best way to spend an evening. Keeping your perspective clear is really important for you to understand the type of outcome your dating style will attract. Fun dates often only happen once with that person but occasionally they will go out again “just for the adventure” of it but they too can sense there is no serious focus for the future. This type of dating really helps take the pressure off the results and lets you keep it simple with no expectations.
Now if you have moved past the “just for fun” dates and really want to finally go on your “last first date” then you need to approach dating with a clear perspective and objective to how you interact. First and foremost, you do not want your date to feel as if they are being “interviewed”. Your goal is to offer an inviting conversation where you discover your date enough to know if moving onto date #2 would move you closer to your own personal relationship goals.
To prepare for quality dating a little homework in advance will give you the tools you need to maximize the opportunity. As a matchmaker I often hear from singles disappointed they didn’t give their date a very good example of themselves but rarely will someone want a second date, when the first was unsuccessful. Nervous energy can be hard to overpower but when you have only one chance for a first impression it’s crucial to do all you can to make your first date the best you want it to be. If you decide you really like him/her and seek to move onto the next date you’ll be thankful you prepared ahead of time.
Here are a few steps to follow as you “master the art of dating” and move onto “mastering the art of being in a relationship”.
· Take time to make a list of five – ten personal traits about who you are today. Look at yourself for who you are now. Not who you were five or ten years ago. What are the perks to your life now and why would someone want to enjoy these aspects of you and your life?
o For example: Your kids are all grown and your schedule is free, your career is unique and gives you great travel opportunities, your love of physical activity and the new hiking trails you have found!
· Make your wish list of five traits for a future partner, based on what is important that the two of your share. Keep your ideas and expectations with room to be flexible. Allow yourself to be open to all the unique traits someone has to offer because it’s important to remember that they have been building their own life well before meeting you. Ask yourself what is non-negotiable so you can be clear in what is most important to you as you make yourself emotionally available for someone new.
o For example: Your religious beliefs, your desire to have children or date someone without children, your health and physical activity needs, your long term goals etc…
· Now that you know what you have to offer and what is important they contribute to the relationship, you can now work on production conversational questions for your date. The goal is to make the time that you are asking questions to feel inviting and not an interrogation. Designing open ended questions is where you will be far more productive then when you ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ options. Some people aren’t the best at conversations with someone new so the more you prepare the faster they will feel comfortable and not all the pressure to keep the dialogue going. Think of five questions to get things warmed up! Once the ball is rolling you’ll quickly discover if they are enjoyable to share time with and if you are curious to learn more by going on future dates, or if this is someone worth just one date.
o For example: “If money and time were no object what would you enjoy doing?” Based on their answer you will learn how create and adventurous they can be!
If saving money is important to you, ask a question such as: “With this crazy economy what have you found to be the most fun you can have without spending very much money?” You’ll learn a little about their views of money and if they are into finding a great deal.
Be prepared with some answers you might share to your own questions because often dates will flip back to you and ask you to share too. Make it fun to get a creative dialogue going but the conversation will get derailed if you haven’t thought of your own possible answers to also share. Healthy and productive conversations are a lot like bouncing the ball. You can’t just play with yourself, unless you want to run from one end of the court and back over and over! It’s about “bouncing” a thought or idea and letting them share with something new. Now you have an added layer from their comments and you can bounce back with something more.
Have fun discovering your date and being sure your date knows enough about you to also make a clear choice if you should go out again! Keep it light and fun, while enjoying learning about someone new. Who knows what you might find out if you really treasure the time you two have together. Be present on your date and learn from one another. It’s your moment to give yourself and someone new a chance at love!
Professional Matchmaker
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